Aging with purpose: What’s your role in the second half of life?
A lot of society’s biases and prejudices have been challenged in the last years and decades: misogyny, racism, prejudice about neurodiverse and LGBT+ folks… Are we there yet? Not by a long road – on the contrary, there’s major backlash. But at least the awareness is there, and there’s movement.
Other areas are strangely still almost untouched. Agism is one of the areas that have been addressed, but there’s no consensus even in the more socially aware community. As a woman in my mid 50s myself, I’ve been watching these developments for years and I’m losing patience with what I’m seeing.
In the following, I’d like to try and make sense of it. Please note that I’m well aware there’s far more out there than I’m ever able to address here. I know there are wonderful corners of the internet – and indeed, the “real” world – where people have moved past all this; what I’m talking about is mainstream society, the things and attitudes we see and are confronted with when we go for a stroll in town or turn on the TV.
Most importantly, I’d like to offer an alternative to society’s broken attitude towards aging. I’m determined to start a movement of outrageously happy 50-100-year-olds who wholeheartedly agree that their current age is the happiest they’ve ever been. Nothing, but nothing less will do.
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Fuck anti-aging
The way we’ve “tackled agism” so far is by basically denying aging happens. Everything is anti-aging: Our new beauty standard is even more impossible than the old one, because now we’re pointed to women who somehow still look firm and sexy in their 50s and 60s.
I’m not dissing those women, by the way. They look amazing, and that’s great. What I don’t like is that they’re made into a measure for the rest of us, and if we fail to achieve it – which 95% of us do – we’re made to feel invisible, like we don’t matter anymore. There’s a reason post-menopausal women have an increased risk of developing mental health issues such as depression.
I’m done blaming the victims. Of course nobody actually tells us to just shut up and be pretty in so many words, but the subtext is everywhere, from movies to advertising and callous comments on social media. It’s not our fault that the prospect of never again feeling conventionally pretty is depressing.
What’s your actual role for the next 40-50 years?
More important than beauty standards, however, is the lack of a clear role. What does society envision for us once we’re over 50? Or over 60, or at retirement age? Again, looking to media and advertising tells a more honest tale than what people tell themselves or want to believe, and there we see: funny/”crazy” old women, benevolent grandmothers.
Again, I’m not dissing anyone. Grandmothers are a blessing, being funny and even crazy can be absolutely refreshing. Another “approved” possibility is voluntary work and activism. They can be very fulfilling. But should they be all we aspire to? Really? Shouldn’t we look after ourselves too, for once?
Of course, more recently there are suggestions to just keep on working until we drop. Great! Let’s never leave the rat race, the stress and the burnout. I don’t know about you, but that’s not a particularly appealing prospect, either.
The alternative: Pro aging, with purpose
Here’s the thing. We no longer live in the middle ages, where people lost their teeth in their 30s and at 40 were basically old. We can easily live to our 80s, 90s or beyond – are you telling me we’re supposed to feel “old” for the last 40-50 years of that??
No. I refuse.
Instead of anti-aging, how about being pro-aging? You know what they say: it sure beats the alternative. But it can be more than the lesser evil. Rather than just “making something out of the later years”, how about making them outrageous? Being happier than ever before? Feeling 100% alive; a vibrant, pulsating joy coursing through you?
Would anyone else be interested in that, or is it just me?
You have everything going for you
Think about it: Just when you get to the point where it gets really good, society tells you you’ve served your purpose, that you’re past it. Don’t buy it! Here’s the truth:
If you’re not less attractive yet, trust me, you will be. Far from wanting to depress you, my aim is to make you realise that this means freedom! Freedom from trying to please, freedom from only being wanted as a mate, freedom to focus on you.
If you have kids, they’re adults now, which means less responsibility and more time for yourself!
Your job, business or career are solid and your income is stable. This means fewer worries and more options.
What to do with it
So how do you create this outrageously happy life? First of all, by training your don’t-give-a-fuck muscle. Consciously disengage from the impossible standards of perfect beauty, perfect house, perfect everything, and slow the heck down. Breathe.
Then find out what makes you happy, unless you already know it (if you don’t, let me help). Discover your purpose (here’s a free challenge to get you started). If you’d like any help with this, consider coaching. This is exactly what I specialise in, but any qualified coach will do.
Consider any or all of the following:
Be there for others because you can and want to.
Take plenty of time to heal. Accommodate any physical restraints or illnesses lovingly without giving up on life because of them.
Take time for your passions/hobbies.
Spend quality time with loved ones.
Build a life described by adjectives such as heart-centered, deliberate, intentional, loving, gentle, adventurous, playful, joyous.
In conclusion, your role is nothing less than to change the world. You do this not (mainly) by activism but in the most powerful way change can be brought about: from within. If you heal your own soul, you heal a piece of the heart of the world. Women make up 50% of the world’s population, and absolutely nobody is served if we remain wounded, fractured, diminished, and shamed into invisibility.